I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
