They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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