I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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