Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
