The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
