Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
