If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My day in three words: secret purse cake
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
