So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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