My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Drunk is not a location!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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