The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
