My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
