My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
