I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize