I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
