Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
