So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
