Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
