I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
