hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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