I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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