Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If I die, sorry about rent.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
