When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
