i was born a porn star she said
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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