You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
