Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
