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why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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