he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
