im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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