I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
