I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i dont even know how to be here
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize