maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
