Taylor Swift is so right about you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
