honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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