my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
