Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
