a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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