the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
