The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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