I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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