Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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