So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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