I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I puked a lego.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
