im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
