im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
