A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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