my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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