I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
