i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
