My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
