Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
