haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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