True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
