I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
