And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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