Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
