look no pants
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize