You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
