am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
