So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
