waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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