she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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