My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
