I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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