I can text with my tongue
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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