all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
