1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
