In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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